I know very well that this movie doesn’t end happily. I know Christopher McCandless died. But I see that this movie is talking to me right now more than before and telling me to escape this situation I am currently in.
I have always been taking things passively ever since I was born. You see, I had the gift of getting the things I want easily, and this is bothering me. I have known sadness. I have known loss and loneliness. But I have never known difficulty.
In my life, I have not slept anywhere alone for more than a week. I wish I was born a guy so that things will be relatively safer for me. That I can travel alone with the physical capability to defend myself and survive anything.
There is a world out there and I am 25 years in this existence without knowing and experiencing true adventure. I had vacations but not real experiences. I want a life that is totally free from fear of failure. I want to stop thinking about my success in my career and judging my happiness based on the things I have acquired. 5 years from now, I want to look back and see that I really did something with my life other than work – that I was able to literally go places. I don’t want to measure myself by my accomplishments, I want to measure my life by the people I have touched. And to be honest, I can’t count so much.
A few days ago, my friend talked about how I should be doing things instead of just talking about it. I guess I’ve always been that sort to have such grand visions of the future but disappointing myself continuously because I don’t make the grand gesture of running after what I want but wait patiently for it to come to me instead.
The dream was to be a respected designer and entrepreneur. I wanted to be rich in order to travel comfortably around the world and give my parents their dream vacations for as long as they can travel. Would it be too horrible if I left this dream behind and live for myself and be a gypsy? It wouldn’t be such a difficult decision if they were bad parents, but they have given me the life and education that I never deserved. And I know I owe them that much to live decently.
But as I watch this movie, there is this feeling lurking. What is this life? Why do I want this path so much? Do I even really want it at all?
I don’t mean to have a wild, non-societal existence. I don’t plan on having my life put to danger at every step, starve myself to death, cut all my ties entirely and live amongst strangers. But I want, want, want to go and see how far my courage can take me away from what I am comfortable with.
“If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed.”
– Alexander Supertramp (May 1990 – August 1992)
The sweet and vicious road is calling and I must take the first step. There is no destination, only a promise of a journey. I must take the first step soon because I don’t how long the world can wait for me to start spinning with it.